Left on my own again 2013 - Day 7 - Mushrooms

Day 7

I've had a couple of people asking where the update for day 7 was. 

To be honest I'm not 100% sure where Sunday went either. All I know is I woke up in the lounge in a sofa fort with my face camouflaged wearing a bandana. 

The last thing I remember clearly was going for a hike up Butser Hill and think "Those mushrooms look tasty. I'll make an omelette."

Next thing I'm tripping balls and wondering why I can see out of my ears. 

Pro-tip: Really don't eat stuff you find in a field. Really*

Just a quick update as I'm not feeling too good and I've got to put the lounge back together. 

Bye. 

*really. Don't. 

Left on my own again - 2013 - Day 6 - Ouch

Day 6

The skip arrived this morning at a reasonable time. I was told between 8-12 and it came at 8:50 so bonus points for them, (take note Curry's!) I've got it for a week, which means I could take my time and clear the garden slow time.

Of course, that's not what happened, and stupid me had filled it by midday, and I'm now a bleeding wreck lying on the sofa nursing a beer in my blistered hands while I attempt to get enough energy to summon the take away fairy. I hope they can understand agonised sobbing.

If anyone in the locale wants to come round a spoon-feed me Singapore Chow Mien it would be appreciated. I promise I'll get dressed mostly.

So it's only a short update today as I haven't broken anything (expect my spirit and quite possibly my grip function), and to be honest it's actually difficult typing with my nose.

Cheers

PS! Keep an eye out in the sky after dark for the Perseid Meteor shower! Earth's going through the dust cloud left by a comet. Untidy bastard.

Left on my own again - 2013 - Day 5 - Skip

Day 5

There's nothing like a bacon and egg sarnie to sate your hunger after a long day at work, and what appeared at the end of my kitchen endeavour was nothing like a bacon and egg sarnie. It shouldn't actually be possible to chip a tooth on a fried egg but there you go; I'm unique.

I've got a bit of work ahead of me this weekend. There's some some rubbish to clear from the garden so I took the sensible step of ordering a skip. I'm very proud of myself for getting through the process with minimal swearing! Even more impressive is that I don't even read The Sun so was totally  unprepared for manual labour. White collar all the way for me, well they would be white if it wasn't for the washing machine incident, but less said about that the better. It takes a real man to wear pink I've heard.

So did you see me on Dara O'briaianans Science Club then? Underwhelming wasn't it. I tried to make myself more visible during the filming but I was warned I'd be removed from the studio if I didn't put them back on. Meh.

Do you have much planned for the weekend? I thought I might investigate one of the local pubs tomorrow. I've not been there since it changed management, but I have high hopes. Last time I was there it was so stuck in the 70's there were bull fighting posters on the wall and the ceiling was the colour of a tramps gusset. Not a great experience. I'm hoping the clientèle has improved too. If not then I don't think I've got the right clothes to fit in. Tends to be grey sweat pants, branded polo shirt and white Adidas trainers, (can of Stella, Staffie called Tyson and a girlfriend with creoles with size of saucers optional).

Have a good one.

Left on my own again - 2013 - Day 4 - Facetime

Day 4

Yo, sup? (I'm soooo street!)

Getting to day 5 and probably still having the use of most of my major body parts has got to be worthy of a mention. What isn't working so well can probably be repaired with enough time and duct tape. So no worries from this little soldier.

After the faux pas of missing a family call with Jay and the kids yesterday I was well prepared to receive it today. I don't know if you've seen the Apple Facetime adverts? You know the ones. Beautiful people gazing longingly at their iPhones, while loved ones separated by distance or commitment are doe-eyed and soft-focus in return?

Yeah, those ones.

Doesn't work like that. Nah.

Granted, the picture and sound were good, the arguing, shouting and everyone trying to talk at once, not so much. I felt the need to say Over! after each sentence. It was all good though, it was nice to catch up. I took Jay's look as love, entwined with concern and a dash of bemusment. I like my hair like this. I should have probably also worn clothes too. The kids (and mother-in-law), looked, well for want of a better word, shocked.

Also! omgomgomg!!!1 I'm counting down the minutes until 8pm - I should be on Dara O'Briaiaiaian's Science Club on the tellybox (sorry, I didn't know how to stop spelling it. I'm the same with bananananana). Look out for me won't you! (BBC2 HD) or if you're on benefit, BBC2.

If you spot me, let me know! There's a prize!*

Bye.

*There is no prize.

Left on my own again - 2013 - Day 3 - The One Show

Day 3

Funny old day. I'm not sure if it's my love of life, or just malnutrition but I feel all spaced today. The drive home from work was a treat, but at least they were kind enough to give me seven days to produce my documents at the station. Good luck with that, I'll be unconscious by then. I've asked them to put a note in the calendar to check on me if I'm a no-show.

Walked in the door to sulking cats. It appears they had given up trying to use the can opener and had scratched the hell out of the sofa in some kind of dirty protest. However, and feeling slightly annoyed at having to give up a ready supply of protein for next week, I relented and cracked open a pouch of cat food ("lamb" chunks in gravy!), and gave it to them. Not a word of thanks. They're lying on the deck giving me a look at the moment. If I didn't know  better I'd say they were planning something evil and feline. (I am aware that "Evil" and "Feline" are considered both sides of the same coin).

You know you've been on your own for too long when even the thought of watching The One Show is appealing. I'm sat watching Alex and Matt ponce around on Weston-Super-Mare beach. What's Somerset done to deserve that I ask you. Rhod Gilbert just looked at me and shook his head.

Plans for tonight you say? I'd thought I'd attempt to tackle the pile of washing I left in the lounge, perhaps leave the cupboard doors open and abandon my shoes in the middle of the floor. (I can feel Jay twitching from here). Don't worry honey, I'm lying about the cupboard doors, I burnt them for warmth.

Tarra.

Left on my own again - 2013 - Day 2 - Summer Dress

Day 2

Simon and Garfunkel were pretty much spot-on with The Sound of Silence. Walking through the door after work it hit me like a brick. I'm used to coming home to much wailing and gnashing of teeth (those that know my kids will understand), but today was different; the house felt empty and not a little odd.

I almost tripped over a Next delivery for Jay when I got in too - a nice floral summerdress, least I've got clean clothes now, I'll make sure it's washed** by the time she gets home.

Even the cats couldn't be arsed coming in for their dinner. (Cats can eat baked beans right?) Fussy buggers. To be honest though I probs should have taken it out of the tin first. (NOT SO CLEVER NOW, YA FURRY FECKERS!)

Hunted some left over bolognaise in the fridge, and once I'd scraped off the crust it was mostly fine, and if the cats can't work out the can opener then I've dinner tomorrow in the bag too. Result.

Oh, final Public Service Announcement. Apparently you are not /allowed/ to barter at the coop any more, their loss, they were good pants.

Tarra.

**or at least in a pile in the washing basket***
***Look, it's progress ok.

Left on my own again - 2013 - Day 1 - Self Sufficiency

Day 1 without Jay and the kids. 

Going well, haven't burnt the house down, and the neighbours are still talking to me, so that's good. 

I was going to rely on my horticultural self-sufficiency this time, but I don't think six cherry tomatoes and a manky strawberry will cut it for two weeks, plus Google told me that eating cats isn't socially acceptable in this country either so the little bastards got away with that one. Not much meat on them so I'm not even bothered. 

Did a load of washing too, (I know, right?) and although it took a while to mop up the garage I was still quite proud.