Not long now...

Apparently it's illegal to incite a riot or public disorder using social media. Now they tell me. I was only joking so they should see the funny side.

I called in sick today. I had a massive headache, and didn't sleep much last night, but I'm nearly almost certain it was nothing I did, (or ate!).

Jay and the kids are back tomorrow night which is great as the voices are starting to worry me again and the estate is getting a tad annoyed with the whole nakedness thing. I say it's natural, not sure they are totally with me.

A week after we get back, the whole of the Thomas clan is off to France for a week. Given that I have had a French national living in my head the last month or so I shouldn't even need a passport, I'm practically a native. (and I do like onions!)

Hope you enjoyed reading over the last few weeks. Until next time, I bid you farewell.

She's only gone again...

So just got back from dropping Jay off at the airport. She gave me an odd look. Since I am an expert in non-verbal communication I took this to mean she was going to miss me. I could, however, be wrong.

We have both learnt valuable lessons since last time. Her, not to leave me for more than 48 hours, (or I run out of clean underwear), and me to never trust wild mushroom field-guides off the internet.

We are well prepared this time however. I have a list of things I can and can't eat.. The knife draw is locked and the police, in between anti- riot work, have been advised to drive a few more local patrols.

Now, please excuse me, man must cook.

Return day +1

Hello again.

Jay got home in one piece and actually started talking to me within an hour of getting back. Shock is a funny old beast and all things considered this was a good result. The doctor had warned me it could take longer but she is resilient.

She was knackered bless her, and insisted on going to bed as soon as she got back. So much for my special welcome home pants. I heard odd noises from the bedroom, so went to check and they must have cut the grass out the front as her eyes were all puffy and weepy.

She asked me what had happened to the bedroom curtains, but for the life of me I couldn't give her a decent answer, I think I was somewhere else at the time. Frenchie was no help, seems to have taken himself off somewhere. How DO you scorch bedroom curtains anyway!

Day 7

Day 7: So this is it. A week on my own and only superficial scarring that I'm told will eventually fade. Well, the physical ones anyway.

It's natural when you come to an end of an important period of your life to feel nostalgic and look back, some may say, through rose-tinted spectacles. In my case the effect is caused by bloodshot eyes and probable concussion but anyhoo.

I'm sure when I meet Jay at the airport tonight she will overlook the wild beard, staring eyes and ragged clothes. It'll be like she never left.

I'm quite proud of myself really for keeping the house (mainly) in one piece, it was tough. There were good times, bad times and some downright dangerous times but we pulled through. I say we because without Frenchie and the dancing fox I would have likely gone mad.

I will of course update this journal to let you know how it goes, but until then I bid you adieu.

P.s. He's right you know. I do smell of spoons. How odd.

Day 6

Day 6: Two minor points. Firstly, they were not field mushrooms and secondly a stomach pump isn't half as much fun as they make out.

I have just about got the use of my legs back and I'm no longer looking out my ears. I just need the fox to stop doing the can-can and all will be peachy. He's got good legs mind and looks faaaabulous in that burlesque get-up. Ok that was wrong on more than a few levels. Ignore me.

The doorbell went earlier and I think I hid well enough and managed to peek out the letter box. It was odd that they ran back up the drive. Perhaps they missed an appointment or something. I'm sure it was nothing I did. I was only giggling and was almost certainly dressed this time.

(Anyone know how to shift blood stains? Just asking).

Shhh! Don't you start Frenchie or I'll shove' onions where the sun don't shine. NO I DON'T MEAN CROYDON! Bloody cheese-eating surrender monkey. Honestly.

I'm thinking of declaring my house as an independent free-state. Not sure how i'll look on the stamps though. Discuss.

Day 5

Day 5: My head feels like there is a Frenchman living in it; he's wearing a turtle-neck, chain smoking Gauloises and telling me I like jazz. Nice.

Braved the cooker last night. Pop-corn chicken, chips and beans. Once I had brushed off the carbonation it was nearly eatable. Certainly filled a hole, namely the one I buried it in. I caught the fox from the back of our garden sniffing round it, I have never been given such a look of disdain before. In a move that could only be described as "preferable" it proceeded to lick its own arse. Charming.

Shh, I'm talking! (they don't stop gabbling on). NO I CAN'T DO THAT! IT'S ILLEGAL IN MOST COUNTRIES!

Went for a walk earlier to escape Frenchy and found some field mushrooms. Should be tasty. Lucky I know fieldcraft eh?

I'll sign off with a few wise words from the great Bear Grylls: "When in doubt, drink your own piss".

It's over-rated.

Day 4

So, I'm sat in the garden enjoying the sun and soaking up some Vitamin D - seem to be deficient in it for some reason, and next door's cat just winked at me, what does he know. Hmm. I wish I could work out where those bloody voices are coming from, getting annoying now. SHUT UP! I don't smell of spoons.

Discovery of the day. Washing something at 60 doesn't wash it twice as well as at 30, will probably still fit her. I can also categorically state that grass cuttings have absolutely no nutritional value whatsoever, which is odd because milk does. Work that one out.

Before I go out to hunt/gather tonight's meal, does anyone know if the Red Cross do short-term food drops?

If bread goes blue, is it dangerous to eat? No reason.

Day 3

Day 3: Sooo, nowhere does it say on the bottle of Fairy liquid that it
shouldn't be used in a dishwasher. On the upside it's cleaned off the
smoke damage, I now have lovely soft hands and the house smells of
lemon.

Take-away fairy did the business yesterday but I must throw the empty
beer cans away, (it IS an impressive pyramid though!)

Going to see my brother tonight; I hear they keep food in the house so
might have to scavenge their cupboards while his back is turned.
Don't tell him.

Noticed a pile of washing in the garage, been there for a few days, I
must bring it up with the maid when she turns up. She late again
today. Don't worry, I still have clean pants.

Oh, here's a pro-tip. Draw the bedroom curtains BEFORE you have a
shower. The police were ok about it in the end, we all had a good
laugh, they even gave me a lift home in a panda! No nee-naws though,
no fun some people.

Day 2

Going well. 

Found some clean clothes and underwear. Ate like a king last night, only minimal stomach cramps this morning.

Slept starfishing in the bed, but was woken by what sounded like foot-steps during the night; I wasn't burgled or ravaged so all good. 

Remembered I had left my shoes in the middle of the lounge floor, but didn't care because that's how I roll.

Busted the urban myth that you can dry clothes in the microwave. 

The fireman says the smoke damage is just superficial and will come out with some scrubbing.

Now in a pub garden wondering if i should invoke the chinese take-away fairy. Peace, out.

Day 1

Jay and the kids have left for Spain. 


Jay for a week and the kids for three. Staying with grandparents. I have to fend for myself. I'm sure I just heard the cooker snigger at me. 


The house is deathly quiet. I think I'll have a beer and watch some shit on TV, how hard can it be eh?