Day 5

Day 5: My head feels like there is a Frenchman living in it; he's wearing a turtle-neck, chain smoking Gauloises and telling me I like jazz. Nice.

Braved the cooker last night. Pop-corn chicken, chips and beans. Once I had brushed off the carbonation it was nearly eatable. Certainly filled a hole, namely the one I buried it in. I caught the fox from the back of our garden sniffing round it, I have never been given such a look of disdain before. In a move that could only be described as "preferable" it proceeded to lick its own arse. Charming.

Shh, I'm talking! (they don't stop gabbling on). NO I CAN'T DO THAT! IT'S ILLEGAL IN MOST COUNTRIES!

Went for a walk earlier to escape Frenchy and found some field mushrooms. Should be tasty. Lucky I know fieldcraft eh?

I'll sign off with a few wise words from the great Bear Grylls: "When in doubt, drink your own piss".

It's over-rated.

Day 4

So, I'm sat in the garden enjoying the sun and soaking up some Vitamin D - seem to be deficient in it for some reason, and next door's cat just winked at me, what does he know. Hmm. I wish I could work out where those bloody voices are coming from, getting annoying now. SHUT UP! I don't smell of spoons.

Discovery of the day. Washing something at 60 doesn't wash it twice as well as at 30, will probably still fit her. I can also categorically state that grass cuttings have absolutely no nutritional value whatsoever, which is odd because milk does. Work that one out.

Before I go out to hunt/gather tonight's meal, does anyone know if the Red Cross do short-term food drops?

If bread goes blue, is it dangerous to eat? No reason.

Day 3

Day 3: Sooo, nowhere does it say on the bottle of Fairy liquid that it
shouldn't be used in a dishwasher. On the upside it's cleaned off the
smoke damage, I now have lovely soft hands and the house smells of
lemon.

Take-away fairy did the business yesterday but I must throw the empty
beer cans away, (it IS an impressive pyramid though!)

Going to see my brother tonight; I hear they keep food in the house so
might have to scavenge their cupboards while his back is turned.
Don't tell him.

Noticed a pile of washing in the garage, been there for a few days, I
must bring it up with the maid when she turns up. She late again
today. Don't worry, I still have clean pants.

Oh, here's a pro-tip. Draw the bedroom curtains BEFORE you have a
shower. The police were ok about it in the end, we all had a good
laugh, they even gave me a lift home in a panda! No nee-naws though,
no fun some people.

Day 2

Going well. 

Found some clean clothes and underwear. Ate like a king last night, only minimal stomach cramps this morning.

Slept starfishing in the bed, but was woken by what sounded like foot-steps during the night; I wasn't burgled or ravaged so all good. 

Remembered I had left my shoes in the middle of the lounge floor, but didn't care because that's how I roll.

Busted the urban myth that you can dry clothes in the microwave. 

The fireman says the smoke damage is just superficial and will come out with some scrubbing.

Now in a pub garden wondering if i should invoke the chinese take-away fairy. Peace, out.

Day 1

Jay and the kids have left for Spain. 


Jay for a week and the kids for three. Staying with grandparents. I have to fend for myself. I'm sure I just heard the cooker snigger at me. 


The house is deathly quiet. I think I'll have a beer and watch some shit on TV, how hard can it be eh?